2x2: Commitment

Commitment could almost be called a swear word because there are so many that are afraid, or simply unable, to commit to anything. The more they are pushed to commit they more they go in the opposite direction.

What does it mean to commit? It means knowing you will give the commitment 100% of your effort, energy, and time. You will not back down when it gets hard, you will find a way to forge through no matter what, and you will accomplish whatever it is that you started. It means never saying no but also knowing to ask for help when you need it. It means standing up for what you believe in and being able to compromise when you need to.

Most of my life I've waited for someone to make a commitment to me: to be sure that I was the person they wanted to make sure I was worthy of a commitment. My siblings and I failed to get that commitment from our parents. I know my dad was committed to making sure we finished our education but our mom just didn't really want a whole lot to do with us unless it was something she could brag about or have some way to humiliate us.

I see that same yearning in my siblings as well. I'm not so sure why I was able to not need that anymore and grow up and see that the only needed to commit to me was myself. I see them struggle in their marriages/personal relationships and in their relationships with each other. They can't see that instead of making their own footprints they are stepping right in to the huge ruts our parents left behind. I see them spinning their wheels in frustration and not understand that if they just step out of that rut and start making their own footprints a lot of their loss and anger will disappear. They will begin to feel the warmth of the sun reaching in to the depths of their soul, they will feel the colors of rainbows dance across their heart, and finally understand that only one needs to commit: themselves.

There is a book by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth, and Dr. Paul Meier titled Love Is A Choice: Recovery For Codependent Relationships. I've tried to get my siblings to read it but they just poo - poo it away and tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. They aren't codependent on anyone and yet they are.

They are all four in very toxic relationships:

H is married to a man that beats her. He beats her and she beats him. She sleeps with any man that will have her. They both are looking to fight the first person that pisses them off. They both steal. They're both drug users. They have 3 children.

T is married to a woman that tried to take her own life last year. Before that he was married to a woman that was legally declared "mentally disabled" by the state of Iowa. T also has a stepdaughter that is autistic and he hates her. He has two daughters and he endangered their lives on Sunday night. T is addicted to prescription pain killers and is currently involuntarily in a mental ward until Friday when he has a hearing to see if he can go home. (N (below) and D (below) signed the papers to have him committed.)

N is on her second marriage and the man she is married to is illegally in this country. Her first marriage was toxic and abusive. This second one the man is very nice and works hard but she has cheated on him several times. He has a temper like nobody's business and I'm pretty sure he's hit her on several occassions. She cheated on her first husband with her second child's father. (Her oldest and youngest are by the same man.)

D is on her second marriage. The first marriage was very toxic and they both abused each other and their kids. Her oldest son she became pregnant with, at 18, by a 14 year old boy. Her daughter is by her first husband. Her youngest child, a son, was by her husband she has now. She is several years older than him and she met him when he was 17. She left her first husband for him. The marriage is toxic and they are abusive to each other and their children.

Yet - they say they are not codependents. This book says otherwise:

In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of its central to every aspect of life. (Ch. 1, p. 11)

My marriage to Mr. has been toxic at times. I find myself slipping in to "codependent" mode when I start demanding things of Mr. that no "normal" person would. I get angry and frustrated when he doesn't commit to me and only me. It's sad, really, when you think about it. Five children of one woman who are all so insecure and needy that they can't see there is no need.

The road I traveled took me to dark places and had me, at times, begging someone not to leave me. This is my first marriage and I've always said my last. If I can't commit to this then I can't commit to anything. Mr. and I have both worked hard at overcoming bad childhoods and making the commitment to stick to our marriage and work harder at loving ourselves so we could love each other and our boys. It's not easy and there are times you want to chuck it and move out and leave everything behind. But, honestly, the rewards are so worth it. We've both persevered to be better than the examples set for us, to show our boys they are worthy of love and commitment, and to give them better examples than we were ever given. We teach them to respect themselves first and to accept others before passing judgment. I have taught them that only those who deserve it get their respect and trust. It must be earned and not given freely just because someone is an authority figure. I have told them that love, trust, respect, apologies, and commitment are more actions than just mere words. I told them that if they can hold their head high and be proud of who they are then my job has been worth the tears, anguish, and frustration.

This week I'm going to put two lines up of a poem that has been swirling in my mind all afternoon at work:

Souls that shatter in pieces
Faces full of sad creases

Those two lines are the two that came first this morning while I was in the shower. My heart reaches out to my nieces and nephews who are, more than likely, going to fall in to the ruts set forth by their ancestors. Sadly, I see this as their future but my heart warms at the thought that they, like me, will one day learn that to look within is the answer.

You can visit Women of Mystery for more Two Line Tuesday.