Do You Love Yogurt?

This post is dedicated to Robin.

In my course of study I decided to take a General Psychology class just to see what was what. I fell in love with psychology and most of that I can credit to my psych professor. She was a wonderful educator who made it her job to help those of us in the class learn and absorb everything she threw at us. She was full of energy, had a great sense of humor, and involved the students in the teaching process. I will forever be grateful to her for showing me a course of study that everyone, in my opinion, should take.

The one person we learned about that fascinated me was none other than John Harvey Kellogg - yes, one of the men behind your cornflakes in your bowl. Before Mr. Kellogg and his brother began making cornflakes they began treating flakes at the Battle Creek Sanatorium in Battle Creek, Michigan. This sanitorium was so popular that very famous people, even "Mary Todd Lincoln and Sojourner Truth", would visit. What fascinated me more than anything was the "yogurt enemas" taht Mr. Kellogg would administer to his clientele.

At first I was quite disgusted because of this quote:

Kellogg made sure that the bowel of each and every patient was plied with water, from above and below. His favorite device was an enema machine that could rapidly instill several gallons of water in a series of enemas. Every water enema was followed by a pint of yogurt — half was eaten, the other half was administered by enema “thus planting the protective germs where they are most needed and may render most effective service." The yogurt served to replace the intestinal flora of the bowel, creating what Kellogg claimed was a squeaky-clean intestine.

Can you imagine having "several gallons of water" shoot up your bum and follow that with yogurt while you were eating the other half? Uhm, yuck. Me thinks Mr. Kellogg might have been a bit "flakey" in his thinking.

What amazed me about all of this is that so many people, rich and famous, bought in to his theory and allowed him to perform this procedure on them. I can not imagine allowing someone to do that to my own body.

Mr. Kellogg was also very against masturbation and sex. He wanted people to stop performing sexual deeds on each and themselves. He felt sexual abstinence was the key to a healthy mind and body. (If you read the entire Wikipedia entry you can read more on how he felt.)

Some of his work on diet was influenced by his belief that a plain and healthy diet, with only two meals a day, among other things, would reduce sexual feelings. Those experiencing temptation were to avoid stimulating food and drinks, and eat very little meat, if any. Kellogg also advocated hydrotherapy and stressed the importance of keeping the colon clean through yogurt enemas.

So now we have figured out what has happened to our society and why so many people are suffering from debilitating depression and disease: we're fucking too much. Our lustful desires are keeping us from a happy and healthy lifestyle. We must all make a commitment to abstain from all sexual activities and eat foods that prevent us from feeling those lustful desires. Drop the chocolate, move away from the beef, put that piece of bacon down lest you feel so horny you want to have sex or masturbate and not only will you go blind and grow hair on your hands but your mental status will immediately decline and you will be forced to eat 1/2 of the yogurt while the rest is shot up your ass.

Now I know some people out there have some pretty kinky sexual proclivities and would probably enjoy someone shooting yogurt up their tail pipe. Some might indulge in "sexual" food just to be "punished" for their inability to cease eating "sexual" foods. Me? No thanks. I'm an "exit only" kinda gal and their ain't nuttin' goin' up my tail pipe that could cause backfires and leakage.

So was Mr. Kellogg crazy or was he on to something? He must have been pretty damn smart because that company makes a TON of money selling cereals to people. Me? I'm avoiding the Kellogg cereals from now on because I happen to like sex and happen to enjoy eating foods that will increase my sexual appetite. So bring on the chocolate, bring on the bacon, and toss me some beef but, for the love of Pete, hold the damn yogurt!