Day 35: Changes.

Today I woke up to the news that the beautiful Farrah Fawcett had succumbed to cancer. I first watched her on Charlie's Angels. When I played Charlie's Angels with my sisters I was always Kate Jackson's character and my oldest sister played Farrah's. She said it made sense because she was blonde. I wanted to be Farrah because I loved her smile and the way her eyes drew you in. So it is not a shock to confess that I was saddened by her passing but relieved that she is no longer suffering from that horrible disease.

This afternoon I jump on Facebook only to hear that Michael Jackson died. That totally bums me out and turns my world upside down. Michael Jackson. Dead. Right now he's singing "Beat It" while I type this and I'm still not understanding how the King of Pop could have died so young.

I swore that I would marry that man when I was 22 but by then he had gone his way and I had gone mine. He was beautiful. The way he moved. The way he smiled. The way he grabbed his crotch and made those noises made me want him even more. An icon is what he was; an idol. Someone to lust after, drool over, and a man that did what he wanted. I was very sad when all those stories started coming out about him and I ignore it because to me Michael will always be the guy in Thriller back when MTV was just starting out. I remember being so scared and wishing Michael would hold me the way he held that girl in the video. I was enthralled by his sequined glove, zippered jacket, and bright smile.

With his passing I hope his children receive all the counseling they will need to accept losing their father at such a young age. I hope they come to realize that once he was someone who embraced who he was. He was a man that held his head high. He didn't hide behind masks and subterfuge; he didn't dangle babies from balconies and he wasn't accused of henious acts against children. He was Michael Jackson. King of Pop. In my heart he always will be the man I once wanted to marry. RIP Michael - may your moonwalk light the way for those that follow behind you.

Today my phone rang and I let the answering machine answer it. It was Teen's recruiter calling letting him know that he received his medical waiver and that he has been accepted into the Air Force. I admit that I paced for awhile and almost cried. I know. I know. This is the right thing and it is what he wants but...the mama in me cries out in fear. I don't want my son going to war and seeing that - I don't want him living it. I want so much more for him that, for whatever reason, he's rebelling against. I wish I could wrap him in my arms like I did when he was a toddler and whisper to him how much I love him and how much I hope all his dreams come true. Press little kisses along his jawline as he giggled because he's so ticklish. Wash the dirty from between his tiny toes. Blow raspberries on his belly. Now? That would be considered child molesting...or incest because he's so old so I think I'll pass.

Changes. I am not so fond of them. I am listening to "Man in the Mirror" right now by Michael Jackson and it's funny it came on because that is the song that I always attributed to Teen. Sometimes I wish we could just stop time and reverse it and do things a little differently. Sometimes...changes suck.

Day 32: No Resolution.

My cousin told me yesterday that if I didn't smoke once through the next 24 hours that there would be no reason for me to ever start again. I am proud today that I stood strong and that I did not smoke. I haven't smoked. The urge was very strong but I chose not to.

I can not believe the stress level that has been in my life for the past 24 hours. I can't believe that I survived that stress and am sitting here tonight listening to Teen's baritone talking to Baby and am wondering two things:

1. WTF is Baby doing up at this hour?

2. Will Teen ever find the source of his anger and work through it?

3. (Yeah...I know, I said 2!) Why is there so little choices for a homeless person in the city of Des Moines?

There was only one shelter in the entire city that had room so I took Teen down there and I could not leave him there. It was filthy. The place smelled so bad that it took everything I had not to vomit on the floor. From the outside the building looked nice but once you stepped through the locked door it was like going from heaven to hell.

So I talked to Mr. after calling the one place that place referred me to and we sat Teen down and made a contract with him. It is a chance we're taking but what else could we do besides leaving him there? It is an easy thing to say "He's OUT!" It's a whole other chapter to find a place to put him. I am not a person that can easily turn her back on her children no matter what it is they do. But...if Teen so much as says one angry word Mr. told him *he* would make damn sure that he was not only "out the door but that you will never be let back in." I hate that word. "Never" Never is a very long time and maybe Mr. will put him out that door but he will be allowed to come back at some point. I can't "never" my kids.

When my parents were mad at us as adults they would change their phone number and change all the locks on their doors even though none of us had keys. I could not do that. Unless Teen attempted to murder one of us I can't imagine doing that.

Anyway - Teen has agreed to our very strict terms and next Friday he will call the recruiter's office to find out if he gets into the Air Force. I will be hoping and hoping that they accept him. I think he needs it. He needs that structure and he needs to fly away from the nest and make his way into the world because right now he's floundering and that is not good for any of us.

Day 31: Heavy, Heavy, Heavy Heart Tonight.

How do you handle a situation where your heart is going to shatter into a million pieces and you are unsure if you will ever be able to recover all the pieces? How do you draw the line between loving your child and putting your foot down in moments of violence? Do you call the police? What do you do?

Sadly Mr. and I were faced with that this evening and we're so unsure what our next step is. Do we file a restraining order? If we do where would he go? How would he support himself? How do you prepare your child to be an adult? How do you explain to them that violence and destruction in our home is not going to keep you in our home?

My heart is very heavy tonight as these question swirl about in my brain. The ache is so deep. This is my first born child. This is the one that holds the biggest piece of my heart. He is the one that made me Mom. He is the one that showed me what a mother should be.

Yet now I feel less like his mother and more like an awful bitch. But after this:



...I knew I had to think of the safety of Middle and Baby. I had to witness my youngest son curled in a ball on our sofa trying to be as small and unnoticed as he could and his little body shaking in fear and sob. The dog cowered under my desk whimpering. Middle yelling from upstairs. Mr. with a stance of fight or flight. And me. In shock and fear.

Teen thinks he should be able to tell Middle "Get away, no one wants you," and Middle should not say anything. Teen thinks he should be able to boss Middle around and Middle should take it. Middle won't take it anymore. He's taken it for 13 years and he's not taking it anymore. Middle is in therapy to deal with the tumultuous relationship between him and Teen. Their relationship is every mother's nightmare. You're torn between them wanting to mediate and yet knowing that something more needs to be done.

I know you all are sitting here thinking "Didn't Teen move out?" Yes, he did. My mom called lastnight and said there was a "situation" and that I needed to pick Teen up before there was hard feelings. So against Mr.'s wishes I brought him home with some very strict guidelines:

No access to the cars.
No access to pornography. (His computer had 45 viruses from pornography.)
No disrespect.
No more not coming home without letting us know in advance.
No more engaging in fights with Middle.
Do as you are asked.

That's it. Just those rules for him to hold on until he heard one or the other on July 3rd from the air force. He couldn't do it. He got into a verbal confrontation with Middle. I called him into our bedroom to discuss with him his behavior and all he could do was ask what I was going to do about Middle. I finally said "Teen, this is not going to work." I started crying. Sobbing. I didn't know what more to do. I can't have him fighting with Middle. I can't have Middle's therapy coming undone because Teen wants to be a jerk, as usual, to Middle. I can't risk losing Middle *and* Baby to the state because of Teens physical and verbal aggression. I won't.

So Teen yelled "So you're fucking kicking me out AGAIN!?" I said, between sobs, "Teen, if you can't follow the rules we gave you yesterday then you can't stay." The next thing I knew his fist went through our bedroom door and he went ballistic. Screaming, yelling, kicking things, stomping, swearing. Completely out of control. If I had called 911 they would have arrested him. My mom refuses him to come back to her place so I'm left with finding a home for Teen. He is staying with a friend tonight but after that who knows.

I need to find some place in this state that will take in a 19 year old and help him at the same time. I don't want my son living on the streets. I don't want him falling in a hole he'll never find a way out. I can't have him abusing Middle anymore. I can't feel unsafe in my own home.

So, tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart and pray an answer soon shows itself before anything more, or worse, happens. :(

Day 30: A Mother's Doubts

When I found out I was pregnant with Teen I truly knew that I was not ready to be a mother but ready or not it was going to happen. We all know these little buggers don't come with an owner's manual and everyone you get advice from has their own idea of how kids should be raised:

Take a firm hand - show them who's boss!

Spare the rod; Spoil the child.

The child should always come first before anything else!

And on and on it goes until you feel like you're trapped on a fucking merry go 'round that just. Won't. Stop. There is rarely a kind word when you are handling all the stress and emotion that goes along with raising children, especially special needs, but someone is always there with words of condemnation when you make one mistake. When you say you are so stressed then it is a rare moment indeed when someone will say "Hey, let me give you a break. Go. Everything will be fine. Pamper yourself and let me take care of things."

Along with all the solicited and unsolicited advice comes the doubts and questions:

Do I spank?

Not spank?

Breastfeed? Bottle?

Circumcise? Not?

Co - sleep? Not?

Cry it out? Comfort every crying moment away?

And on and on. The questions plague you. Sometimes you lay in bed at night wondering what road you've taken and when the end will come. You wonder if you're up to this monumental task that has been thrust upon you.

Labor is hard. It really is. Your body works to expel a human being after it has grown from a microscopic sperm and egg to a living being. Your abdomen tightens with each contraction and is harder than granite. The pain steals your breath and you keep focused that soon that pain will pass and you will hold your child. Once you see that child everything changes. Everything. The life you knew before does not exist any longer. You think this will but there will be subtle changes in you that you may not even notice until days, weeks, months, or even years later.

As you float along in life you find yourself bumping into things, stumbling, and losing site of who you are as you become mother. You change as a woman. You change as a human being. You're either trying to be the parent yours were or you find yourself being exactly the opposite your parents were. You are either strict, over protective, over bearing, or you want to be your child's friend by being permissive and indulgent. There is no "right" way to parent - you just do it. You find your way on your own. You make your own path as mother.

Until. Until...a mighty wrench is thrown at you and then you slowly begin oozing pain and sadness. Until your soul cries out for answers that it can not get. And then? Then all those questions hammer away at your head until you lay awake at night listening to the beat and wondering when it will cease. Soon? Later? Never? When will you get the acknowledgement that you did the right thing? I don't know. No one does. And right now? I'm at the mighty wrench point. THWAP!

Right or wrong those doubts are there. I can't find the answers. I am not so sure I want them. "Be careful what you ask for." I've had that said to me many times in my life so I am being cautious to ask for anything right now. I had felt quite confident in my parenting abilities right up until these last two weeks and then it has come full - circle to being all those creeping doubts that begin the moment Teen was born.

Maybe. Maybe someday I can come to grips with the questions and pain that circles around me. Teen, Middle, and Baby. Did I do the right thing? Did I make the right choice in my parenting style? Did I find that middle ground or did I go too far one way or the other? Did I lead by example and if I did was it the example that was a good one?

For now? For now I will continue ignoring my doubts and plug along as mother and pray that things slow way down. Stay tuned for this is not finished. This is just the beginning of a long series of doubts that I will be posting over the next few weeks. Why? Because I need to work through it and to do that I need to write. Writing is my outlet. It helps me to work through all the doubts I have.

Day 27: Pickles Turned Out Better (aka You Don't Gag As Much)

Well who would have thought that I would have survived twenty - SEVEN days of not smoking? I wasn't so sure and although there have been no fatalities there have been some close calls. I have noticed that I am a bit of a road rager so watch out if you're in Iowa. Some tips if you are driving in Iowa:

1. Use your fucking signal. It is not just a decoration! If you're going to turn then use the bastard or face my wrath!

2. Don't pull out in front of me if you're not going to go faster than I am. Just wait and then go.

3. Driving is not for those that do not have brains. So that means 98% of people in Iowa should surrender their license.

4. Speed limit is not a suggestion.

5. If you're too fucking dumb to make your kid ride in the BACK seat with a BELT on then surrender your kid to the state. (Seriously people, I watched a woman driving down a busy street with her kid STANDING in the front seat. Standing. In my car there is a rule: Backseat only with seatbelts firmly attached.)

6. Put your make up on BEFORE leaving home.

7. Your car is not a phone booth.

8. Multi tasking while driving is never a good idea.

9. If you're old then petition the state for an "older" lane for you. Either you're "Sunday" driving 7 days a week or you're an unsafe driver. OMG! I can't count how many geezers almost hit me in the last week.

10. Just because you're an 18 wheeler it doesn't give you the right to almost run me off the interstate at 70 mph!

Those are just a few tips. Oh...one more - kids don't belong in the back of a pick up truck.

So the second batch of pickles turned out better but I think I need to lower the level of vinegar on it because it's almost choking and I am going to take the salt down to a 3/4 C instead of 1 C. It might be just right by then. I believe in experimenting with foods! Have fun! Enjoy! Cooking should never be a chore but something enjoyed and something you can take the time to perfect.

Right now I'm watching Sweet Home Alabama on TV and it's one of my favorite chick flicks. I might quit watching long enough to go scramble me some eggs and top them with pico de gallo (homemade) to munch while watching. I find myself bored this morning and could easily slip...OH!

I forgot to tell y'all. They took me off my high blood pressure meds temporarily for a week. I think it's been causing my extreme fatigue as of late and the dizziness. I have been "napping" a lot and I'm not a napper. I'm normally an insomniac and this sleeping so much is driving me bonkers. So hopefully I'm off the meds for that and can soon give up on the migraine meds because I quit smoking. *fingers crossed*

Tomorrow is the one month not smokingaversary. Wow. A whole month! YAY!

Day 24: Still Plugging Away

The pickles I made didn't turn out so great. I'll start a second batch today and not be so eager to double the pickling salt even though I doubled the recipe. Middle wasn't so put off by it but Mr. and I were fighting to hold back our gag reflex as we ate them. The onions were perfect and the tops of the pickles were fine but if you ate near the skin or ate the skin of the pickle it was like eating a handful of salt. GAG!

The Amish Friendship Bread turned out perfect. I added banana cream pudding mix and chopped walnuts to it. I can't wait for the next round of it. Oh. My. Even Baby ate a lot of and he hates nuts.

The not smoking is going along. It will be Month 1 on Thursday. I think I'll continue to count it in days just because I feel more "accomplished" that way.

I've been thinking about Teen a lot and how I miss him. I've not talked to him once since he left. He's as stubborn as his mother so I don't see him calling anytime soon so I just wait. I know that he'll be butting heads with my mother and she might call before him to tell me to come get him. It went that way a lot when he was younger. She couldn't stand more than a few hours with him at a time because he drove her nuts. Sure, he's older now but so is she so I don't think time has changed a lot lately. This is the same woman that didn't congratulate him for graduating but told him to get out of her room because he was "upsetting" her cats.

So...I'm off to make a 2nd batch of pickles and hoping they turn out better.

Day 22: Pickles, Scratched Lens, and Dumb Movie.

When I woke up Thursday morning the lower half of my right eye was blood shot. I assumed it was from the 3.1 mile walk the night before and mentioned it to my friend Martey as we walked last night. (Never mind the freaking blisters on the backs of my heels from walking in brand new shoes! DOH!) Today I decided I need to go to the doctor because it was hurting. No leakage which is consistant with conjunctivis, aka pink eye, but everytime I blinked it felt as if something was lodged in it. I had the same thing 2 years ago and it turned out that I had scratched the lens.

Doc walks in and says "Hi, what's the problem?"

I took of my glasses and said "The eye."

His response? He pulled back, made a repulsive look on his face and said "Eww!"

Yeah, way to make me feel better doc. Good thing he was looking at my eye and not my crotch or I might have been really upset. He numbed it, dropped in the dye, shut the lights off, and ran the black light over it. I think that is so cool that they can do that. It really is amazing. Next time I'm going to squeeze a yellow highlighter in my eye and get a black light and check myself and save some money.

Lastnight while Martey and I were walking with Middle, her dog Nelson (who happens to love the smell of my Sassy's butt), and Sassy a huge ass beetle jumped on my tit. Now I didn't notice it but Middle did. I brushed at it and the damn thing clung to my shirt. I screamed like a girl and brushed several more times before the damn thing would fall off. Martey immediately went over with Middle to check it out, she tried to pick it up, and it tried to bite her. I'm sure everyone in the park heard me scream like a girl and I don't care. That bug had no business hanging out on my tit.

I did make some homemade dill pickles and they are pickling in my fridge right now. I don't know if they are any good but I found the post over at The Cutting Edge of Ordinary. Lisa has some kickass recipes over there and I love adding to my ever - burgeoning collection. I will let you all know how they turn out.

I also recently purchased some fresh blue and raspberries and will be adding them to her recipes for Millie's Quick Dessert Cake and will let you know how they taste. I've used the straw and blue berries before and they were yummy. The pineapple (fresh) was kickass as well.

Tonight we had steak tacos topped with homemade pico de gallo and sour cream. I loved them! Totally kick ass! Yum. We ate some at our local farmer's market yesterday so I thought I could whip them up. The hardest part was cutting the flank steak into small bits before frying. I'm sure if you grilled it first then chopped it that it would be easier but I like to cut the fat off mine then adding in cumin, salt, and pepper. It was yummy!

Today Middle, Baby, and I went to see the new Will Ferrell flick Land of the Lost. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. If you have children under the age of 11 don't take them. I was shocked at the sexual over tones, totally lame punch line, and the monkey - man humping the air as he told of the 7000 women at his disposal. It is not for children. I won't be buying that DVD and it can stay lost. Very sad and disappointed that Will Ferrell would be apart of that movie considering that it barely paid homage to the real Land of the Lost and turned it into nothing short of a porn for teens. Blech!

Day 22 went well. Next Thursday will be Month 1 of being smoke - free. I didn't really have the urges today but I guess chewing through 2 packs of gum might have helped. :)

Day 21: Three Weeks And Counting...

Well I've made it 3 weeks with nary a cheat but the urge is still strong. I still want to inhale a cigarette and I still want to enjoy typing and inhaling at the same time. I don't miss the coughs, shortness of breath, or the smell. I just miss the campionship of the cigarette. I also hope these posts aren't scaring anyone away from quitting because the rewards will outweigh the withdrawal. Everyday is a struggle for any addict and you have to take it a moment at a time. I have found myself being more active than I did when I smoked. I can go out to movie theaters and restaurants without thought to upsetting a non - smoker. I also find myself looking at people who are smoking and envying them that joy but also feeling sorry for them as well. Addiction is difficult no matter what the habit.

I miss Teen. I miss him a lot. I wish he were here now but he isn't. I have been doing the "what ifs" all day. Would he be here if I were smoking? Most likely because I would have stopped, smoked, and given it more thought before tossing him out on his ear. I feel horrible that I've turned my back on him but at the same time hopeful that he will use this opportunity to get himself stabilized and on the right path. I am concerned about him being at my mother's because she isn't all that stable herself. I look for it to last a week before one of the two of them are calling asking me to take him back. And I will. He is my son and I won't turn my back on him but the boundaries and rules will be stiff.

I'm off to walk to the farmer's market and maybe buy myself some fresh veggies.

Day 19:Coming To An End

This was a most difficult day. It was difficult to stand firm in my decision to have Teen move out. It was difficult not to cave and let him stay hoping things would blow over until the next blow up. It was difficult to watch him walk away from me and leave. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around his gangly shoulders and whisper that I was sorry and he could stay. My heart wept as I watched then I drove home. All the way home I kept reminding myself that this was the right thing. This was the thing that had to be done so that he could take flight and find his way. On the other hand I am not so sure that what I did was the right thing. Like a sunburn worsening as the sun goes down so do my thoughts and doubts.

I could use a long pull on a cigarette right now. I could use that gagging smoke just to settle my thoughts; to slow myself down so that I could go to bed and not think about the most difficult decision that I had to make.

He isn't sleeping under a bridge or with friends. He made the choice to call his grandmother, my mother, and ask if he could move in with her for a bit. I wasn't too keen on the idea but I also wasn't keen on sending him to a homeless shelter either so I talked to my mom and allowed it. He was extremely angry when he realized that I meant what I said. I meant every word. I wasn't going to allow him to continue being disrespectful of our home, our rules, or us. I wasn't going to blame his behavior on anything but the fact that this man - child has to learn that he can't continue acting like an ass and getting away with it.

I guess this is the beginning of a new path for myself and my son - as a mother and as an adult. It is time for him to pony up, man up, and grow up. He can't keep sniveling and whining because things are not going his way. It is time for him to realize that the real world is knocking and he needs to answer the door. He needs to step forth and make that leap on his own.

My mother insists that we allow Teen to have his car. We refuse. It is not in his name but in Mr.'s brother's name because Teen quit his job before he could pay to have it put in his name. Then he lost his wallet and even when we were going to pay for it he had no motivation in finding his wallet. Now? The insurance is in our name and we pay for it for that vehicle. The car is still in Mr.'s brother's name so we can't allow him to drive it. So he's without a car now and that pisses him off. He feels we are "ripping" him off and that is just not so but he is young, angry, and foolish and it is normal for him to feel this way.

He did inform me that his friends think I'm a bitch for "tossing" him out. That must mean I'm doing something right. I'm sad tonight. Sad that things came to this. Sad that he is living with my mother who is not well herself - physically or emotionally. Sad that a rift is between my son and I am not so sure it will heal. Maybe. Someday.

Day 19: The Long Day

This morning I awoke to a dreaded feeling in my gut. I am sad because I had quite the row with Teen over the phone and he has yet to come home. I did tell him that when he did manage to being his ass home we'd be having a very serious talk.

His entire attitude was shitty.

"Look, it is after 1 am and I thought you'd have the courtesy to use the cell phone we let you borrow to call and let us know you would not be coming home."

"I thought you would have the fucking courtesy to assume that if I'm not home by midnight I won't behome."

The conversation deteriorated from there because I told him he had no right to speak to me in that manner. He continued to be disrespectful until I said "I'm done with this conversation." He quipped "Yeah, you're so done with this fucking conversation." I then said, quietly, "Teen, when you come home tomorrow I want you to pack your things and find another place to live." Then I hung up. So I threw down the gauntlet and am preparing to march upstairs and pack his clothes for him.

After a short night of little sleep and lots of tossing I decided that I am only crippling him by continuing to give in to his wants. What he needs is a parent who isn't afraid of her son being angry at her. He needs a mother who is going to stand strong. Now is the time to advocate - but for me. I need him to understand that he can't go out drinking all night and rolling in at odd hours only to shower, eat, sleep, and use the phone to call his friends. He needs to respect our rules and boundaries or forge ahead on his own and make his own rules and boundaries. Sometimes the easiest road to travel is the one of hard knocks and maybe this is just what he needs.

I'll keep you updated. For now I'm going to go shower and get his things packed.